John Paul McMurray was born in Ayr on July 05, 1972. He died in Germany on 29th August 1993 in a road traffic accident. He was in the 32 royal engineers regiment. Miss you so much son. Mum xxx.
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John Paul McMurray was born on July 05, 1972 in Ayr. I was 17 and single, his father just did not want to know,so it was just him and me and that suited me fine, he was the first good thing that had ever happened to me, He was such a good baby after he got by the first 3 months as he had really bad colic. It was him and I against the world because back in 1972 it was not the done thing to have a baby and keep it if you were'nt married so we had quite a hard time of it with people looking down their noses at us and making snide remarks, but I did'nt care I loved my son and was proud to be his mum. When he was about 1yr old I met a man who at the time I thought was really nice, what a mistake that was after about a year I discovered I was pregnant again as soon as he knew he changed completely he became very possesive didn't want me mixing with other people even my family, when I did not do as he told me he started becoming very violent, but not just towards me but also to John Paul. In february 1975 I had a baby girl called Arlene, her father was so taken with her and that made things worse for John Paul and myself,everything had to centered around Arlene, this went on for about another 2yrs. the violence just kept getting worse and back then there was nowhere to turn the police just classed it as a domestic. At christmas time 1976 things came to ahead when once again he hit John Paul, I had finally had enough and somehow found the courage to stand up to him, I told him to pack his bags and leave my home he knew I had had enough so after knocking me about one last time he left. It was not till about 1mth. later I found out I was pregnant again, in august that year I had my son Christian. Life was tough I was a single parent again this time with three kids but that was okay we didn't have much and there were some really hard times but we were happy and more importantly we were safe, nobody telling us what to do or using us as a punchbag whenever it suited them. Life moved on and John Paul had some emotional problems along the way due to the abuse he had been through but with the help of my G.P. and a councellor he managed to get on, he tried many different hobbies over the years, football, boxing, judo and many other things but nothing seemed to really interest him, then when he was 12 he said he wanted to join the army cadets, I thought it was just another one of his daft notions but I made enquieres anyway and discovered he could not join till he was 13 so for the next 6mths he used to go along every week and just watch, but the minute he turned 13 he joined up. From that day on all he wanted to do was join the army. When he was 14 I had met someone and got married I don't think he was to happy about it but I think for my sake he didn't say anything,the following year I had my youngest son Dean. John Paul left school at 16 and got a job as an apprentice butcher but all he really wanted to do was join the army, so finally at 17 I took him to the army careers office He passed all the entrance exams and the medical but they felt he was not ready to leave home, so they told him to come back in a couple of years. He continued to work as a butcher but really hated it, so 2yrs. later he reapplied for the army and this time he was excepted. So in April 1991 he joined the Royal Engineers at basic training in Camberly in Surrey.
In July that year I went down to Camberly to his passing out parade I was so proud of him, he had finally found something that he loved and seemed to be good at I suppose the years he spent in the cadets helped him cope with the discipline and the way of life, he looked so handsome in his dress uniform but then I would think that anyway, he was my son, but he really was a good looking young man. Once I figure out how to put photos on this site anyone visiting it will be able to judge for themselves. During his 12 weeks at camberly he had lost almost 2 stone in weight he was so thin his clothes were falling of him, so after the parade it was back home to Scotland and some serious shopping, he had saved a few pounds while he was away so mum was of the hook, for the first time in his life he was able to buy what he wanted and he just loved that, not having to depend on me. He was a responsible lad from that day he never asked me for any money again, his attitude was that it was his turn to help me, but I never asked him for anything but when he had been home on leave, when he left to go back I would always find money under the clock on the mantlepiece with a wee note "Buy yourself something mum love J.P." it was usually £50 which to me at that time was a lot of money. For the next 2years he was posted in Germany but was back in the U.K.quite a lot as he was always doing different courses for one thing or another, he even tried out for the paras on 2 different occasions but unfortunately never managed to complete the course, both times he was sent home on the second last day with leg injuries. He always said he would never give up on passing that course but he never got the chance. The last time he tried was in January 1993 and another opportunity never arose as they were preparing to go to Bosnia later that year, which never happened either because on the 28th of august that year he took a lift into Hamburg from a guy in his regiment who his friends had tried to tell him not to go in his car as he was a headcase behind the wheel, but J.P. wouldn't listen he had arranged to meet a girl in Hamburg at the Circus disco so him and his friend Christian Powell went in the car, they got there alright but on the way back at around 3.25am they were stopped by the police and the driver was warned about his speed but was allowed to continue as he had not been drinking 5 minutes later at around 3.35am he lost control of the car and ploughed into the back of a stationary articulated lorry. When the emergency services arrived they immediately pronounced the driver and Christian dead at 3.40am. it was not until they removed the car from under the lorry and cut of the roof that they found John Paul in the back seat he was pronounced dead at 4am.
John Paul McMurray was born on July 05, 1972 in Ayr.
In July that year I went down to Camberly to his passing out parade I was so proud of him, he had finally found something that he loved and seemed to be good at I suppose the years he spent in the cadets helped him cope with the discipline and the way of life, he looked so handsome in his dress uniform but then I would think that anyway, he was my son, but he really was a good looking young man. Once I figure out how to put photos on this site anyone visiting it will be able to judge for themselves. During his 12 weeks at camberly he had lost almost 2 stone in weight he was so thin his clothes were falling of him, so after the parade it was back home to Scotland and some serious shopping, he had saved a few pounds while he was away so mum was of the hook, for the first time in his life he was able to buy what he wanted and he just loved that, not having to depend on me. He was a responsible lad from that day he never asked me for any money again, his attitude was that it was his turn to help me, but I never asked him for anything but when he had been home on leave, when he left to go back I would always find money under the clock on the mantlepiece with a wee note "Buy yourself something mum love J.P." it was usually £50 which to me at that time was a lot of money. For the next 2years he was posted in Germany but was back in the U.K.quite a lot as he was always doing different courses for one thing or another, he even tried out for the paras on 2 different occasions but unfortunately never managed to complete the course, both times he was sent home on the second last day with leg injuries. He always said he would never give up on passing that course but he never got the chance. The last time he tried was in January 1993 and another opportunity never arose as they were preparing to go to Bosnia later that year, which never happened either because on the 28th of august that year he took a lift into Hamburg from a guy in his regiment who his friends had tried to tell him not to go in his car as he was a headcase behind the wheel, but J.P. wouldn't listen he had arranged to meet a girl in Hamburg at the Circus disco so him and his friend Christian Powell went in the car, they got there alright but on the way back at around 3.25am they were stopped by the police and the driver was warned about his speed but was allowed to continue as he had not been drinking 5 minutes later at around 3.35am he lost control of the car and ploughed into the back of a stationary articulated lorry. When the emergency services arrived they immediately pronounced the driver and Christian dead at 3.40am. it was not until they removed the car from under the lorry and cut of the roof that they found John Paul in the back seat he was pronounced dead at 4am.
John Paul McMurray was born on July 05, 1972 in Ayr. I was 17 and single, his father just did not want to know,so it was just him and me and that suited me fine, he was the first good thing that had ever happened to me, He was such a good baby after he got by the first 3 months as he had really bad colic. It was him and I against the world because back in 1972 it was not the done thing to have a baby and keep it if you were'nt married so we had quite a hard time of it with people looking down their noses at us and making snide remarks, but I did'nt care I loved my son and was proud to be his mum. When he was about 1yr old I met a man who at the time I thought was really nice, what a mistake that was after about a year I discovered I was pregnant again as soon as he knew he changed completely he became very possesive didn't want me mixing with other people even my family, when I did not do as he told me he started becoming very violent, but not just towards me but also to John Paul. In february 1975 I had a baby girl called Arlene, her father was so taken with her and that made things worse for John Paul and myself,everything had to centered around Arlene, this went on for about another 2yrs. the violence just kept getting worse and back then there was nowhere to turn the police just classed it as a domestic. At christmas time 1976 things came to ahead when once again he hit John Paul, I had finally had enough and somehow found the courage to stand up to him, I told him to pack his bags and leave my home he knew I had had enough so after knocking me about one last time he left. It was not till about 1mth. later I found out I was pregnant again, in august that year I had my son Christian. Life was tough I was a single parent again this time with three kids but that was okay we didn't have much and there were some really hard times but we were happy and more importantly we were safe, nobody telling us what to do or using us as a punchbag whenever it suited them. Life moved on and John Paul had some emotional problems along the way due to the abuse he had been through but with the help of my G.P. and a councellor he managed to get on, he tried many different hobbies over the years, football, boxing, judo and many other things but nothing seemed to really interest him, then when he was 12 he said he wanted to join the army cadets, I thought it was just another one of his daft notions but I made enquieres anyway and discovered he could not join till he was 13 so for the next 6mths he used to go along every week and just watch, but the minute he turned 13 he joined up. From that day on all he wanted to do was join the army. When he was 14 I had met someone and got married I don't think he was to happy about it but I think for my sake he didn't say anything,the following year I had my youngest son Dean. John Paul left school at 16 and got a job as an apprentice butcher but all he really wanted to do was join the army, so finally at 17 I took him to the army careers office He passed all the entrance exams and the medical but they felt he was not ready to leave home, so they told him to come back in a couple of years. He continued to work as a butcher but really hated it, so 2yrs. later he reapplied for the army and this time he was excepted. So in April 1991 he joined the Royal Engineers at basic training in Camberly in Surrey.
Well Christmas was over and now we had to face New Year, it was going to be hard 2 of the boys from JPs regiment were coming to stay, part of me was happy they were coming but a bigger part of me was dreading it, the only time I had met these boys was at JPs funeral they said at the time they would come and visit but I never thought they would, but true to their word they arrived on the morning of the 30th Dec. there names were Nick and Denzil they were really nice lads, Nick reminded me so much of JP he just melted my heart as for Denzil I recognised him right away he was the soldier that had to be held up in the church he was absolutely distraught, I remember hearing someone crying at the funeral service and when I turned round to see who it was it was Denzil, I remember just wanting to go and hug him but my legs just wouldn't move, it was heartbreaking here was this young soldier in full dress uniform crying uncontrollably.
As I said they arrived on the 30th and made themselves at home there was nothing awkward or strained they just fitted right in. they went into town and I made dinner for them when they came back and then we spent the rest of the night chatting.
That was when the first mention of JP not dying instantly was first brought up, I had always been told that he was pronounced dead at the scene and even the transcript from the coroners court said he died at 4am. but according to Nick and Denzil when they were told that morning about the accident at around 6am they were told that the other 2 boys had been killed but that JP was on life support at Rinthelm military hospital, as you can imagine I was in total shock but the more I thought about it the more it started to make sense, the delay in informing us, it took them over 14hrs to notify us, the carry on when his body came home about whether or not his organs had been used, the post mortem report did not mention what he was wearing, and yet the report on the other boys listed every item of clothing they had on, but there was nothing I could do it was New Years Eve but I was damn sure I would be the first person on their phone as soon as their office opened after the holidays, not that there was a chance that the army would own up to anything.New years eve the boys went to a Hogmanay party at prestwick airport with Arlene her boyfriend and all their mates,there was a new year rave being held there. I was worried sick till they got back in the early hours of the morning but that is just me worry about everything, when they all finally surfaced that day we had something to eat and all headed to the cemetary, it was very hard and the boys were very emotional,they took some photos of the grave to take back to the rest of the boys in the regiment then we went back home. I had arranged for all JPs friends and family to come to my house that evening to meet the boys so the rest of the day was in spent in the kitchen preparing food, everone arrived about 6pm and we had a really nice evening, we laughed a lot and cried a lot, exchanging stories of JP,the next day we all had a lazy day as we were all shattered, then in the evening the young ones all went into town me I went to bed exhausted. the boys were supposed to leave on the 3rd but had decided to stay till the 5th, they were having a blast,but I was back at work on the 3rd so the young ones were left to look after them but they were having a great time, JP would have been so pleased. The morning of the 5th was awful it was floods of tears all round from the boys and me, it was like another part of JP going away but they promised to keep in touch and said they would be back at easter leave if that was ok with me but again I thought they were just saying it to make me feel better but true to their word they phoned me at least once a week and assured me they would be back. Once the boys were gone I contacted the MOD about what the boys had told me but just as I expected they denied everything, when I asked them about JP being a donor they were a bit hesitant with their answers but the said he wasn't, but that if he had been they would not have needed my consent as he carried a donor card I told them that the next of kin still had to be asked but they informed me,not when he was a serving soldier. "You learn something new every day" but I do believe he was used as a donor and nothing they say will convince me any different
As we moved into December the pain of losing J.P. was awful, everybody was rushing around getting organised for Christmas and all I wanted to do was stop the world and get off. I couldn't understand how all the rest of the world was preparing to celebrate, how could they do that didn't they know what had happened? my son was dead how could they behave as if it hadn't happened. but as the days went by I was persuaded to put up the tree for Deans sake, he was only 6yrs old after all so up went the tree, no other decorations though, but did I feel guilty the only time I switched the lights on was when Dean was in the house, I went through the motions bought some presents for the kids sent a few cards but going shopping was a nightmare every shop you went into there was happy music or hymns playing, I don't know how many shops I had to walk out of, then trying to buy cards for my other 3 kids I tried a few times before I finally managed to get them everytime I looked at cards for son I ended up in tears and had to leave the shop how could I just buy 2 cards for son so in the end I bought 3 one for each of my sons, everybody thought I was mad what was I doing buying a card for someone who wasn't here anymore, but I just couldn't leave him out, and he has had his christmas and birthday cards every year since, I take them to his grave and stick them to his headstone,I even buy him a litle minature christmas tree and put it at his grave, I know people thought at the time that I had lost the plot but as the years have gone on there are loads of the graves have trees on them at christmas. I just can't miss him out he is my son and he will always be included in everything I do. The headstone should have been erected in the middle of December but as the time was going on there was still no sign of it going up, I was starting to panic as I was promised it would be up for christmas, it was finally put up at 3pm on christmas eve Christian had stood up there all day to make sure it was up, I waited till Christmas day to go to the cemetary.It was a strange day Dean was all excited just like any other kid at christmas and I really tried hard to make it as normal as possible for him but inside my heart was breaking this was the first christmas in 21yrs that J.P. wasn't there even after he joined the army he always managed to be home. after the kids had opened their presents we got ready and headed for the cemetary, I was dreading seeing the headstone it was like the ultimate reality check there was going to be a headstone with my sons name on it, when we arrived at the cemetary gates my heart was pounding I felt as if I was having a heart attack, as we walked through the gates I could see it in the distance it was huge it stood out from all the others because of its size, as I got closer I could see J.Ps picture and read his name then I saw the etching on it I just cried I was sad but at the same time I was so pleased the stone was absolutely beautiful, the artist who done the drawing made a brilliant job I had given him the words of the song Brothers in Arms and he drew it based on the words of the song, the detail was unbelievable. I put flowers in the pots and then we went back home as I was going in the front door the phone was ringing and when I answered there was a young man on the phone looking for John Paul, I was so taken aback all I could say was "He is dead" and hung up about 30 mins later it rang again it was the same young man this time phoning to apologise he did not know what had happened, He had been in JPs regiment but was posted to Ireland the week before the accident before he left Germany JP and him had made arrangements for him to come to Scotland for New Year along with a couple of other boys and he was phoning to ask JP if it was still okay to come,he was so upset when I told him what had happened he said he had been at the Circus disco with JP a couple of weeks before he had left Germany, I felt so sorry for him he was in an awful state, he sent me a lovely letter a few weeks later telling me how sorry he was and how when he first went to germany JP had looked after him and taken him under his wing, he said JP was a true mate and I was so proud of that. We got through christmas day there were a lot of tears shed but we got there, the next hurdle was new year a couple of lads from the regiment who were at the funeral had phoned to ask if they could come and stay for new year so it was arranged that they would arrive on the 30th dec.
We were notified in October that the inquest was to be held in Wiltshire on the 3rd November, the inquest had to be held there because the army sent the 3 bodies on the same plane which landed at Brise Norten air base then 3 days later they were flown to their own homes, but because the were taken of the plane on English soil they then became the responsibility of the Coroner for that area. When I was told when the inquest was I contacted the coroners office to let them know I would be attending but the clerk assured me it would be an open and shut case and would last no more than 10mins. all evidence would be in written statements from S.I.B and the German police, so for that reason I decided not to go. They sent me a copy of the coroners report a few weeks later, it confirmed that Ian Richardson was driving, Christian was in the front passenger seat and John Paul was in the back behind the passenger seat, all 3 boys were wearing seat belts and only the front seat passenger had been drinking.they found that the accident happened due to the car being driven at approx. 100klms an hour and that the driver at lost control on a bend and collided with a parked articulated lorry, it also stated that he had been stopped 5mins earlier by the German police and warned about his speed. The two boys in the front were pronounced dead right away but they did not realise J.P. was in the car as the back of the car was under the lorry so they did not find him till 25mins later, he was also pronounced dead at the scene (more about that later).The outcome of the inquest was that all three boys died from severe multiple injuries due to a road traffic accident, for which the driver was totally responsible. Once the inquest was over and I had received the report I was totally lost, it was all over no more unanswered questions (or so I thought) now it was time to face the reality I had it all in front of me in black and white I even had the post mortem transcript, but still I couldn't relate it to J.P. Most of the time I was in total denial at other times it would hit me like a ton of bricks, that was so scary I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I think that is why a parent never truly accepts the death of a child, because I don't think they could cope with it so I think there is always a part of them that is in denial.
In October that year they finally sent John Pauls' belongings home,they arrived in 2 large crates which barely fitted through the front door, the man who delivered them couldn't lift them, the first one he trailed of the back of his lorry, "poor man he had no idea what was in the crates"
I absolutely lost it started screaming and shouting at him in the street,my friend had to explain to him what was in the crates, how could he have known what precious cargo he was carrying. When I finally opened them there was so many things missing, nothing of any great material value, but of great sentimental value to me, things like all his photos, his address book,all his cards and momentos he got for his 21st birthday a few weeks before,obviously who ever cleared his room never even considered they might have been important to his family. I contacted the army but they said there was nothing they could do about it. It wasn't till a few weeks later I found out they still had all his personal letters that had been sent to him, they had written to all the people asking them if they wanted their letters back if not they would destroy them, the only way I found this out was because they had written to my daughters boyfriend. I was so angry how dare they even think about destroying anything belonging to my son,I was his next of kin and the sole benificiary in his will, but still they refused to send them to me, I had to end up getting a lawyer to fight for my right to have them returned to me. In november after the inquest was over the next thing was his estate being settled,
when I was send a breakdown of what was owed to him from the army I noticed a couple of things I didn't understand, one was a deduction for 45pounds for wages over payed, the other was 240pounds for legal costs, when I asked them to explain this I was told the wages overpayment was because he had been payed till the end of August and as he was killed on the 29th he owed them 2days, the second one was because he had not payed his Naafi account at the end of August and he had not answered the letter they had written to him in September they had taken legal action against him. Talk about making you feel that your son was litterally just a number to them. I managed to make them pay back the legal costs they had taken from him, after all how can you take
someone to court after they have died, but they were adament about the overpayment of wages, he didn't finish the month of august so he owed them 2days wages. I'm quite sure if John Paul new how inconvenient him dying on the 29th instead of the 1st sept was going to be for them he would have waited for 2days. So if ever the army tells you that anyone who joins up,that they and there family become part of a larger family "the army" they are talking rubbish, family dont treat one another the way they treated my son.
The weeks and months after the funeral were really hard, everyone thinks when you have other kids that you just dust yourself down and get on with it, and to a certain extent you have to, my youngest son was only six when his brother died and I was on my own so I had no choice I had to make myself get up in the morning,I had to make life as normal for him as I could, So to the outside world Phyllis was okay, if only they knew the truth, I didn't want to be here anymore I just wanted to die so I could be with J.P. people may think that was a terrible way to think when I had three kids still here, but in my mind if I wasn't here they would still have each other and and the rest of the family, but John Paul was on his own and I just wanted to go and be with him. Six weeks after he died I decided to go back to work as I just couldn't stand to be in the house through the day on my own, my mind was torturing me with the thoughts of how he died, I had these pictures in my head of what he must have looked like,(because of the length of time it took for the army to bring him home we were strongly advised not to see him, we did not even have identify him the only way I could be sure that it was my son in that coffin was for the undertaker to tell me where his tattoo was and to describe it to me, that may seem stupid but there were three coffins on that plane I had to know I had got the right one.)So because I did not see him I had these images in my head of his injuries, it wasn't until after the inquest on the 3rd of November I sent for a copy of the coroners report,that funnily enough helped because I then knew the facts rather than what I was imagining. I just couldn't bear the thought of his handsome face being all battered and broken "crazy isn't it" but according to the report he only had a small bruise on the left side of his face the main injuries were to his leg and the most serious was to the base of his skull. Anyway as I said earlier I went back to my work in the middle of October, I worked in a small residential home for the elderly I had worked there for 5yrs and my boss was a good friend, he allowed me to work hours to suit me, so I would drop Dean of at school in the morning in a taxi then go to work, I always took a taxi so I didn't have to meet or speak to anyone, I would work till about 1.30 then my boss used to drop me of at the cemetary and I would spend some time there then leave in time to walk round to the school in time to pick up Dean. Then Dean and I would go home and shut the rest of the world out, that was our life for a long time, people would come to visit at first but that doesn't last because they don't know what to say to you, they try so hard to avoid talking about what happened, when all I wanted was to talk about my son, not carry on as if he had never existed, and people don't know how to deal with that. It is at times like that you find out who your true friends are and surprisingly they are not always who you think they are, I had what I thought was a best friend we had known each other since we were sixteen, we had came through so much together, we had both been in violent relationships and were left to bring our kids up on our own,but we were always there for each other she even stayed with me for a while, but since J.P. died she just didn't know how to deal with me,so she gradually distanced herself, she had known J.P.since he was a baby but yet didn't want you to talk about him, well I lost a "friend" but it is almost 15yrs later and I talk about my son everyday he will always be a part of my daily life and if people who are supposed to be my friends can't understand that, then too bad, because I don't need that kind of friends.
In early September before the funerals of the three boys took place the army finally agreed to give me the phone numbers of the other 2 mothers I called them straight away it was such a relief to speak to someone who knew exactly how I was feeling. The mother of the boy who was driving the car was quite distant she seemed to be more concerned about material matters like the fact that the car had been written off,and that he had only had it a few weeks, and also that her sons funeral had been planned for the 14th Sept which just happened to be her daughters 18th birthday and they had planned to have a party,at that stage J.P.s funeral was booked for the 13th and she wanted to know if I would change dates so her son could be buried on the 13th as the three funerals had to be held on different days so that the boys coming over from Germany could go to all three funerals, so I agreed and changed J.P.s to the 14th. there was just something about the woman I just could not take to, not just the fact that her son killed my boy but that she said she was not surprised, that she had been waiting for that knock on her door because he was such an idiot in a car. So that begs the question why did she help him to buy a Golf GTI. then go and buy the same type of car for her daughters 18th birthday. On the other hand when I phoned Christians mum she was totally different she was just like me a single mother trying hard to bring up her 2 boys after her divorce, just like myself her kids were her life, Christian was her oldest just like J.P. she was divorced in 1990 like me she had a son called christian just like me, her younger son was 16 at the time so was mine, we just seemed to have so much in common, but the biggest thing we shared was that our sons both died that night and part of us died to. Her name was Linda and to this day her and I support each other through the hard times, we are "soul sisters" and we will always stay in touch, in the early days we phoned each other every day sometimes three or four times a day, that has gradually lessened but we speak to each other usually once a week, but we know that we are always there for each other. She has came over to Scotland once and I have been over to Ireland once, but hopefully we will get together soon, health permitting, since the boys died I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and Linda was diagnosed with chronic thyroid problems, which they are still trying to stabilise, so things are hard at the moment. It just makes you wonder if the trauma of losing the boys has caused our health to be so poor, before the boys died neither her or I were ever ill but since they have died our health has really gone downhill, my G.P.said it is quite possible as both our illnesses are triggered by the immune system which can be affected by trauma. But hopefully I will be able to travel to Ireland this coming year.
Once the funeral service was over there was a buffet laid on at the Burns Monument Hotel I had asked them to cater for about 100 people but they had to open up another room as almost 200 came back to the hotel,I'm really glad that so many of his friends turned up, there were also some of the lads from his regiment came over from Germany it was really nice to meet them. Three of them Nick, Kyle and Denzil said they would come back and visit, I thought at the time they were just saying it to be polite but true to their word the three of them came and spend New Year at my house, but I'll write about that later. With the funeral over I was at a loss as what to do, I had kept myself busy for the 2 weeks prior to the funeral making sure everything was being organised constantly on the phone, to the army, the funeral director, the florist anyone just to keep me busy so I didn't have to think about what had really happened, but now the funeral was past the reality started to hit home. I tried so hard to keep it together for the sake of my kids as they were finding it hard enough without having to cope with me as well, but sometimes when I was in on my own the fear and the panic was overwhelming, the fear that if you let go of what you were feeling that you would lose your mind, the panic when your heart is so sore it feel like someone has stuck their fist in your chest and you can't catch your breath. They say that grief is an emotional pain but whoever thinks that has never lost a child, yes it is emotional but I can assure you grief is also a physical pain your whole body aches, your heart hurts, your head feels like it is going to explode, you can't sleep because you can't switch your thoughts off so you keep the T.V.on all night to try and focus your mind on something else,(14yrs down the road I still sleep with the T.V. on as I never allow myself to be in total silence for fear of where my mind may take me) which leaves you Physically exhausted. Unless you have been there nobody can understand that black hole you are in. You watch the world going by and you get angry because you can't understand how everything can just keep going when your life has came to an abrupt halt. You don't want to be in company because you feel you have no right to act like a normal person, because if you smile or laugh or maybe just let what happened slip out of your mind for just a second you feel so guilty and usually end up in tears, and other people don't know how to cope when that happens, so you start to avoid people and end up shutting yourself away from friends and family.
To start this journal I will have to go back to that day, 29th august 1993 the day when my life as I knew it came to an abrupt end. It started out just like any other Sunday, as I worked through the week Sunday was always a busy day catching up with all the housework and preparing dinner,my daughter Arlene her boy friend Brian my youngest son Dean and myself finished dinner around 5pm.and were just settling down to watch a film, around 5.10pm I saw a police car pull up outside the house I knew my daughter had been a witness in an assault case so I thought it was about that,It never even occured to me it might be about J.P. I had just spoken to him at 9pm the previous night,he was just leaving camp to go and meet a girl he had managed to get a lift from a soldier in his troop so him and his friend Chritian were heading into Hamburg, he told me he had just bought a car and as usual we argued about what kind of insurance he should get, he said third party I said fully comp. I won but only if I payed the difference, I agreed, that was the last time I spoke to him. When I opened the door the policeman asked if he could come in, so we walked into the sitting room I remember I was holding a cup of tea at the time then he asked if I had a son John Paul McMurray serving in germany,I remember telling him to stop I didn't want to hear but he kept talking I sat my cup down and started to walk out of the room but I could hear those words every parent dreads "I'm sorry to have to inform you your son John Paul McMurray has been killed in a road traffic accident" I was screaming at him to stop but he didn't the next thing I remember was my daughter helping me up of the floor. The policeman told me he did not have any details but that the army would be in touch later that evening. It was about 9pm when a Cpt. Colclough arrived he still did not have all the details but he told us that John Paul his friend Christian Powell and the guy they had got a lift from Ian Richardson had all been killed when the car they were in had collided with an articulated lorry at around 3.30am that morning, but because it was a bank holiday weekend there had been a delay in informing us, seemingly it had been on the news all day but I had not heard it. He told me he would be back in touch when he had more to tell us. The next week was a nightmare we were getting bits and pieces of information but still no date when his body was coming home Cpt Colclough was not very helpful he was supposed to be my casualty officer but seemed not to be that interested. It turned out that when J.P. had been home on leave at the beginning of August he told one of his friends Angie that when he went backto Germany that he had a feeling he would never come home again, He told her to tell me he wanted a military funeral with a piper,a gun salute and he wanted his favourite song Brothers in arms, played in the church. When I told Cpt Colclough this he told me J.P. was not entitled to a military funeral as I had chosen to have his body brought home so it was up to me to arrange everything not the army. Fortunately he was due to go on holiday so I was handed over to another officer,Major Norrie Donald. He took over all the arrangements and made sure the funeral would be done the way J.P. wanted it. The funeral finally took place on tuesday 14th Sept. it was so busy we even had a police escort because of the amount of people that were there, they coned of the street at the church and at the cemetary, everything went to plan a Union Jack on the coffin, a six gun salute and a piper playing in the back ground, all thanks to Major Donald, and for that I will be eternally grateful to him.
well it was the start of a new year and I knew then my life would never be the same again, people kept telling me that time was a great healer but I knew in my heart I would never get over the death of my son, how could I he was a part of me and how can you get over that. as time moves on you maybe learn to live with it you become a different person you are still a mother' daughter, sister etc. but you are first and foremost a grieving mother and that has never changed, you can appear to be getting on with your life and to an extent you are but in the forefront of your mind 24 hrs a day is the child you have lost and a lot of your energy is spent keeping the emotions of that under control, you are always concious of how easy it would be to lose control.
In January another boy from Jps regiment was killed, they had been out on exercise and sleeping out in tents in the woods the winds turned gale force through the night and a tree was uprooted and crushed this young lad, he was from a town a few miles away from me and i was asked if I would mind speaking to the family which I did, his mum asked me if I would attend the funeral which was being held at Ayr crematorium at first I said no that I didn't think I could cope with that so soon after JP but this poor woman was so distraught I finally told her I would be there, I just didn,t know how I would handle it and once again Major Donald who was also the casualty officer for that family stepped in, he offered to take me to the funeral and introduce me to the family, as I had only spoken to the mother on the phone, thank god he was there I don't think I would have got through the service otherwise, he never left my side the whole time, lending an arm for support when my legs wouldn't hold me up or taking my hand when the coffin drapped with the flag was carried in and I almost lost it, I think that boys funeral was more difficult on the day than JPs that may sound strange but at JPs I was so focused on making sure everything was done the way he wanted it i don't think the reality of the day really registered, but that boys funeral brought it all back I stood in the crematorium that day and it felt like it was JP in that coffin I think that was one of the worst days of this whole journey, at the end of the service Major Donald introduced me to the family I shook hands with the father and spoke afew words to him but when it came to the mother we didn't have to say a word we just held one another and cried, I knew how she felt and vice versa, words weren't necessary, there was a tea arranged at a local hotel but I just couldn't go,I asked Major donald to explain to the mother and to tell her I would phone her soon, I just went home and cried not for the boy but for my son.
It was also my birthday in January and that was hard, not having a card or a phone call from JP, in February my sister had a new baby and automatically you think I hope JP phones soon so I can let him know, then it hits you he's not going to phone, I know it may sound strange but sometimes you forget that he died, I was so used to him being away for long periods of time and you often would catch yourself if the phone rang thinking just for a split second, oh that will be JP, or if something happened, thinking, wait till I tell JP that, and everytime you done something like that it was like someone twisting the fist that was in your chest when the reality hit again. My sister had moved back to live in Ayr, she had been living in Penzance but after JP died she couldn't bare to go back, she had given birth to a little girl on the 14th feb. and I think she probably thought involving me with the baby would be good for me, and looking back it probably was, she had bought a house about 5 mins away and used to just open my door and say watch Sophie because she had something to do, never giving me an option because if she had asked first I would probably have said no, I just wanted to be left alone, but she done that on a regular basis so I had to get of the couch and see to the baby.